Over the recent Bank Holiday I logged into Skype to received a call from JiggamanHov68. I answered.
"Hey man, how are you?"
"H-O, It's me, Young!"
"I know mate, how have you been?"
"The Roc is in the building"
[I stare down my webcam unimpressed - he finally answers]
"I'm good man, you heard mine and Yezzy's new album?"
"Yeah man, sounds like you guys have a lot of money"
"Did that come across in the songs, I mean I was worried about the content, people not realising how much money I have, but you got that right?"
"Yeah you and Kanye really hammered it home, I mean you were naming brands so exclusive, I haven't even heard of them, I had to Google them"
"But when you found them, you saw how expensive they were right? Because I'm rich, just in case you didn't know that"
"Are you not worried you constant rapping about money and status damages your credibility as a lyricist?"
"It's cha boy! Young H-O, I'm influential in rap and the world"
"How do you mean the world?"
"I got Obama into office!" - [Jay then proceeds to make a strange hand gesture]
"What was that?"
"What was what?"
"The hand gesture, you just did it again"
"The Roc diamond?"
"No, it was something else"
"You accusing me of being in a secret society, some Freemason, Illuminati ish?"
"No, I just asked about your hands"
"Oh cool, because I'm not, I mean, like, why would I be, neither is Bey, Kanye, Riri, none of use, don't watch our videos too closely, or go on Youtube and listen to people who say we are"
"oooooookay, how is Bey?"
"She's cool, have you heard, she's pregnant"
"Yeah I heard, congrats"
“It’s crazy man, because at the time she got pregnant, me and Kanye spent all this money building an under-water studio to record the beat on one of our tracks. Soon as we dropped the track we just flew around the world…” [I interrupt]
“Jay I have something to tell you”
“…One minute we were in
L.A., the we were in Tokyo, Paris, London, Mars, …” [I interrupt again] Rio, New York
“You were away when she got pregnant; I bumped into Bey on a night out”
Milan, Hong Kong, North Pole, me and Yeezy partied in the North Pole…” [I interrupt again]
“She got pregnant when you were away and she was with me”
[It goes silent and feels like the moody has changed]
“Darran! I’m going to say this slowly and clearly…”
[I feel dreadful, a scumbag, but I must accept my fate]
“…You need to stop interrupting cha boy, H.O.V.A. when I’m talking about money. Ok my accountant is calling me, he calls me everyday just to tell me how much I'm worth and how much money I'm making, holla at cha boy. Speak later"
As I hang up, I think to myself, man Jay Z really likes money, and he really does not see anything but money. But hey at least I won’t need to make CSA payments, BOOM