My mate Jay

Over the recent Bank Holiday I logged into Skype to received a call from JiggamanHov68. I answered.

"Hey man, how are you?"

"H-O, It's me, Young!"

"I know mate, how have you been?"

"The Roc is in the building"

[I stare down my webcam unimpressed - he finally answers]

"I'm good man, you heard mine and Yezzy's new album?"

"Yeah man, sounds like you guys have a lot of money"

"Did that come across in the songs, I mean I was worried about the content, people not realising how much money I have, but you got that right?"

"Yeah you and Kanye really hammered it home, I mean you were naming brands so exclusive, I haven't even heard of them, I had to Google them"

"But when you found them, you saw how expensive they were right? Because I'm rich, just in case you didn't know that"

"Are you not worried you constant rapping about money and status damages your credibility as a lyricist?"

[Long pause]

"It's cha boy! Young H-O, I'm influential in rap and the world"

"How do you mean the world?"

"I got Obama into office!" - [Jay then proceeds to make a strange hand gesture]

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"The hand gesture, you just did it again"

"The Roc diamond?"

"No, it was something else"

"You accusing me of being in a secret society, some Freemason, Illuminati ish?"

"No, I just asked about your hands"

"Oh cool, because I'm not, I mean, like, why would I be, neither is Bey, Kanye, Riri, none of use, don't watch our videos too closely, or go on Youtube and listen to people who say we are"

"oooooookay, how is Bey?"

"She's cool, have you heard, she's pregnant"

"Yeah I heard, congrats"

“It’s crazy man, because at the time she got pregnant, me and Kanye spent all this money building an under-water studio to record the beat on one of our tracks. Soon as we dropped the track we just flew around the world…” [I interrupt]

“Jay I have something to tell you”

“…One minute we were in L.A., the we were in Tokyo, Paris, London, Mars, Rio, New York…” [I interrupt again]

“You were away when she got pregnant; I bumped into Bey on a night out”

“…Milan, Hong Kong, North Pole, me and Yeezy partied in the North Pole…” [I interrupt again]

“She got pregnant when you were away and she was with me”

[It goes silent and feels like the moody has changed]

“Darran! I’m going to say this slowly and clearly…”

[I feel dreadful, a scumbag, but I must accept my fate]

“…You need to stop interrupting cha boy, H.O.V.A. when I’m talking about money. Ok my accountant is calling me, he calls me everyday just to tell me how much I'm worth and how much money I'm making, holla at cha boy. Speak later"

As I hang up, I think to myself, man Jay Z really likes money, and he really does not see anything but money. But hey at least I won’t need to make CSA payments, BOOM

My mate Ashley

Sat at home ready to sleep when my phone rings, I look at it and I know it will say "Ashley C". I answer

"Hey Ash"

"DG, it is me; Ashley Cole"

"I know Ash, I have your new number, and what do you want? I'm shattered"

"I need your advice on something, relationship stuff..."

"Don’t be in one!"

"You say that to everyone Dal"

"No, I say that to you Ash"

"Well I want to get back with Cheryl and I think she wants to get back with me"

"But she's a dick mate, and to be fair, you are a bit too"

"How you mean I'm a dick?"

[I pause, I sigh]

"You left your boyhood club for more money, gaining the name Cashley, you married Cheryl, you cheated on her with ropey birds, you take pictures in your pants and send them to people, you shove phones up your arse and get people to call and you shoot students with air rifles"

"Yeah but none of that stuff was my fault"

"Oh...right"

"But anyway I have doubts about getting back with Cheryl, I mean she caused the break-up, she left me"

"Because you...you know what don't worry"

"I mean she'll have to change before I could consider going back"

"Ash mate, I'm pretty tired"

“I want kids, we both do”

“Please do not procreate”

"Ok Dal. You joker. I call tomorrow?"

"I was not joking and please do not"

"Ha, you always say that, I'll call tomorrow"

"Bye Ash"

I hang up and like every night I genuinely hope he doesn't call, but know he will. I also hope he is never in care of another human life, but I cannot control the activity of his groin, and neither can he.

My mate Ryan

Sitting in a local cafe sipping on tea and finishing the remainder of a bacon sandwich I hear a familiar voice, it's the voice of family man and good friend Ryan Giggs.

"Giggsy!"
"Griff! How are you? Still training to be an accountant?"
"I am mate, but have a few side projects. How are you? How's the family?"

Ryan goes sheepish, and quite sombre. He looks anguished.

"They're good! You know I've been playing for Manchester United for 21 season, ain't that amazing?"
"Ryan are you trying to change the subject? How's your brother and his family"
"Contrary to popular belief, I could never have played for England"
"Ryan! I was being polite, I have Twitter, I know about everything that's been happening"
"Allegedly"

I stare into his soul

"Darran, I've really f*cked up haven't I?"
"No...by no I mean yes, by yes I mean really badly"
"But I got and injunction out, how did people find out, I'm still going to sue everyone on Twitter, my lawyer thinks I can sue the internet"
"This is the same lawyer who suggested the injunction, which in effect publicised your private life"
"Yeah he's a smart guy"
"I'm assuming your lawyer is not working pro bono"
"I don't know if he likes U2"

My head drops into my heads

"How much are you paying this guy?"
"I don't know, my accountant just set up a direct debit"

I consider giving Ryan advice, but as I sit opposite him as he empties his pockets trying to work out where that ringing is coming from...

"Your phone is on the table in front of you Ryan!"
"Oh yeah, cheers, It's S'rAlex. 'Alright gaffer....'"

...I feel my time would be wasted. Although he's my mate and a great footballer, he's a fricking idiot.

My mate Barack pt. 2

Knowing Baz was coming to Britain and landing in Stansted I thought I'd arrange for him to come and drop by my house. He wanted to go Nando's as they don't have it in the US. He was annoyed when I told him it was closed, I mean it was pretty late and those guys at Nando's will scrape your chicken into a doggy bag and call you a cab if you think you can stay after close.

My mum cooked and while Miche sat downstairs chatting about woman stuff, me, Baz, Chuck, Randy, Brick, Chip, Le'Shawn, Te'Shawn and Doug went to my room and played Fifa 11. It was winner stays on and lets just say this, Baz does not have a career in playing video games...he's sh*t!

After a couple of hours off playing Fifa and me searching on the internet showing them images of Imogen Thomas (100% "I would" response rate), the gang left and he made his way to London, not without taking off every wing-mirror from the cars parked on my road, with his big-ass vehicle. But hey it was nice for him to visit.

My mate Barack pt. 1

My mate Arnie

To say I was a little shocked that my mate, The Governator, had not only cheated on his wife, but to do it with a cross between a manatee and Colonel Gaddafi named Mildred was more shocking.
 
So I flew out to LA to meet Arnie for a brief chat while we had a gym session together. After out running, out curling, out benching him, just generally out gyming him, we sat down, I had a beer he had a protein shake. As he drank his protein shake hoping to one day be as strong as me, I laughed into my beer and confessed to him that I had in fact had sex with his daughter Katherine. His face angered, but broke into a smile as he sensed it was only a joke (It wasn’t a joke, I had sex with her 4 and a half times).
 
We chatted about his time in office in California, his search for John Connor (considering what he's gone through, I couldn't break it to him that the whole Skynet thing was just a film), his grievance at never winning an Oscar (again...he's in a bad place).
 
He then showed me a picture of his bastard child and I tell you there was an undeniable resemblance between father and son. He has his mother’s features but his father’s bone structure. I put a link to the picture below.

Arnie's Boy

My mate The Queen

So my mate Lizzie Rocks (you've seen her jewels) is going to visit Ireland, the first time anyone from her family have done so since her dad, when everything in the world was in black and white. Understandable she's been a bit nervous about it all, so she got a call from her good mate, me.

"Good Morning, Buckingham Palace"
"is this Mortimer?"
"Yes, whom is calling?"
"it's me, Darran"
"oooooh sh*t, D-Grizzy! I'mma get you Lizzie Rocks"

[call transferred]

"Hillu, this is her majesty...Lizzie Rocks, m'uh f*cker, how are you Darran? Why didn't you just call one's mobile"
"I'm good and I didn't call your mobile as I've lost all my numbers. Haven't seen you for a while. You enjoy the wedding?"
"yes one's very proud of Wills, I see you weren't there, it's a shame, what happened between you a Kate, although sexually explosive, it was a while ago"
"oh well time will pass, have you still got my Game CD?"
"Yes I do, Game is straight West Coastin' fo'sho, Philip isn't too keen though"
"You want to give it back, I lent it to you,s it wasn't a present"
"Can I take it to Ireland, one listens to Game and I feel brave"
"Don't be nervous, I have a few boys in Dublin and I've got everything covered  in London, we'll find any bombs in suitcases or buses"
"Ok cool, anyway I have to take the Corgis for a walk, peace!"
"laters"

Just another normal phone call.

My mate Simon

To say I am a bit disappointed at the moment would be a an understatement. To not be picked as one of the judges on the US X Factor was painful. Especially when Cheryl "chocolate-eyed Geordie racist toilet-attendant bashing, did you know I'm friends with RoboTwat Will.I.Am" Tweedy (Nee Cole, Nee Tweedy) was picked as the final judge. No one will understand her and worse of all she will become more famous for mediocrity and consequently more RoboTwat!

But my life was even worse when twatty Steve Jones was selected as the host. I mean Jones is so wank and he got picked over me.

After I basically gave Cowell the idea of taking the X Factor to the US (following him coming up with the original idea of the X Factor in the UK, which is totally different to Simon Fuller's shows of Popstars, Popstars: The Rivals, Pop Idol and US Idol), I was disappointed with the snub.

However I cannot be too disappointed as I do not have much holiday days left at work so the travelling to the US would have been a chore. Also I spoke to my good mate Lord S'rAlan Sugar and he said I can help out with The Apprentice.